When you suspect a friend may be experiencing domestic or family violence, the instinct to “fix” the situation can be powerful. Australian support services say the most useful first step is often much simpler: listen, believe what the person tells you and help them keep control over what happens next.

That advice has been highlighted again after friends of Molly Ticehurst spoke publicly about the difficulty of recognising abuse and knowing how to respond. Ms Ticehurst was killed by her former partner, Daniel Billings, in 2024. Billings was sentenced earlier this month to 28 years in prison, with a 20-year non-parole period.

Her friends have described the guilt that can follow a domestic-violence homicide, including questions about whether they should have intervened differently. Specialists interviewed by the ABC stress that responsibility for violence rests with the person using it, not with the victim or the friends who may be trying to support them.

For anyone worried about someone they know, there are practical ways to help without taking over or increasing the risk.

Start by listening without judgement. 1800RESPECT advises friends and family to believe the person, take their fears seriously and avoid blaming them for what is happening. Domestic and family violence can be physical, but it can also involve intimidation, stalking, financial control, isolation, sexual violence, reproductive abuse, threats or monitoring.

A person may reveal only a small part of what is happening at first. Pressing for every detail can feel intrusive and may cause them to withdraw. A safer approach is to give them privacy, let them talk at their own pace and make clear that you are available when they want support.

Experts also caution against arriving with a fixed instruction such as “you need to leave tonight”. Leaving can be the right choice, but separation can also be a period of increased risk. The person experiencing the abuse usually knows details about the perpetrator’s behaviour, threats, access to money, children, pets and other risks that friends may not see.

That is why 1800RESPECT recommends supporting the person’s choices rather than trying to take control from them. You can discuss options, but the decision should remain with them wherever possible.

Ask gentle, specific questions. If someone has become isolated or their behaviour has changed, it can be useful to describe what you have noticed rather than accusing their partner or demanding an explanation. Saying you have noticed they no longer come out with friends, seem worried about upsetting someone or are frequently checking in with a partner can open a conversation without forcing one.

If they say nothing is wrong, keeping the relationship open still matters. Domestic violence can involve isolation from friends and family, so a steady, non-judgemental connection can be valuable even when the person is not ready to disclose abuse.

Do not confront the person you suspect is using violence. A direct confrontation can increase danger for the victim, for children and for the friend who intervenes. It can also alert the abusive person that someone else knows what is happening, potentially leading to more surveillance or isolation.

Friends should focus on the safety and wishes of the person seeking help rather than trying to investigate, gather admissions or personally mediate a violent relationship.

Offer practical help. Support can be as ordinary as transport to an appointment, looking after children, storing copies of important documents, providing a safe place to make a phone call or helping find a specialist service.

Practical assistance can reduce the barriers that make leaving or seeking advice difficult. A person may be worried about money, pets, school, work, housing or how to collect medication and documents without being noticed.

Safety planning is one way to think through those risks. 1800RESPECT says a safety plan can include identifying somewhere safe to go, deciding who to contact in an emergency, keeping a phone accessible, arranging care for pets, having important documents available and using a trusted code word to signal that help is needed.

The plan should fit the person’s actual circumstances. There is no universal checklist that is safe for everyone, which is why specialist domestic-violence services can help tailor a plan.

Be careful with phones and digital communication. Some abusive partners monitor devices, messages, location services, banking or social-media accounts. A well-intentioned message about domestic violence can create risk if the perpetrator has access to the person’s phone.

Ask what communication method is safe before sending links, making repeated calls or leaving detailed voicemails. If needed, a friend can contact a support service from their own device to get advice without leaving material on the other person’s phone.

Know when it is an emergency. If someone is in immediate danger, call Triple Zero on 000. That applies when there is an immediate threat to life or safety, serious violence is occurring, or urgent police or ambulance assistance is required.

Outside an immediate emergency, 1800RESPECT is available 24 hours a day on 1800 737 732, by text on 0458 737 732 and through online chat and video call services. Friends and family can contact the service for advice even if the person they are worried about is not ready to call.

Other state and specialist services can provide crisis accommodation, legal assistance, counselling, financial support and help with children. The right service depends on where the person lives and what support they need.

Do not assume abuse only affects older adults. The ABC’s current report cites research indicating high levels of psychological, physical or sexual abuse among younger people. Specialists say young relationships should be taken seriously and that controlling behaviour should not be dismissed as normal jealousy or inexperience.

Young people can face additional barriers because they may still live with parents, depend financially on others, share schools or friendship groups with the person using violence, or rely heavily on digital communication.

Support from a trusted adult can be important, particularly for someone under 18. Depending on the circumstances, a school counsellor, youth service, doctor or specialist domestic-violence service may be able to help identify safe next steps.

Expect the process to take time. A friend may leave and then return, or may decide not to leave at all. They may stop talking about the abuse for weeks and later raise it again. Frustration is understandable, but ultimatums can deepen isolation.

Continuing to say “I believe you”, “this is not your fault” and “I am here when you need me” can be more useful than trying to force a timeline.

Friends also need to recognise their own limits. Supporting someone through violence can be emotionally exhausting, and one person cannot provide every form of help. Seeking confidential advice from a specialist service can help a supporter understand what is safe and what is beyond their role.

Molly Ticehurst’s friends have spoken about wishing they had understood more at the time. Their experience is a painful reminder that warning signs can be difficult to interpret from outside a relationship and that even caring friends may not know the full level of danger.

The practical lesson from domestic-violence specialists is not that friends should become investigators or rescuers. It is that they can create a safer path to help by listening, taking concerns seriously, maintaining contact and being ready with practical support when the person asks for it.

If you are worried about someone, you do not need to wait until you have proof of abuse before seeking professional guidance. You can contact 1800RESPECT yourself and ask how to support them safely.

There can also be warning signs that are easy to dismiss when viewed separately. A friend may stop attending social events, appear unusually anxious about upsetting a partner, lose access to money, change clothing or routines, or become difficult to contact without the partner present. None of those signs proves abuse on its own.

Instead of treating them as evidence to prosecute a case, specialists recommend using them as prompts for a gentle check-in. The aim is to make it easier for the person to talk, not to force a disclosure.

Financial control can be especially hard for friends to see. Someone may have wages monitored, accounts restricted, debts created in their name or little ability to spend without permission. Practical help can include accompanying them to a bank, legal service or financial counsellor if they want that support.

Workplaces can also form part of a safety plan. Australian employees may have access to paid family and domestic violence leave, and some employers can alter rosters, contact details or workplace security arrangements. A specialist service can help a person decide whether involving an employer is safe.

Technology safety deserves the same caution. Location sharing, shared cloud accounts, smart-home devices and password access can all be used as tools of monitoring. A friend should avoid changing settings on the person’s behalf without discussing the risks because sudden changes can alert an abusive partner.

When children are involved, friends should not ask children to physically intervene in violence. Safety guidance focuses on helping them identify safe places, trusted adults and ways to contact emergency services.

Finally, supporters should keep information confidential unless there is an immediate safety issue or a legal obligation to disclose. Gossip within a friendship group can increase risk, embarrassment and isolation for the person experiencing abuse.

The goal is to expand the person’s options, not narrow them. Reliable support combines compassion with safety awareness and professional advice when the situation exceeds what a friend can safely manage.

If anyone is in immediate danger, call 000.